Ma was teaching me English grammar.
As usual, when I listen to something, immediately my mind sets off on a trip to a similar situation sometime, somewhere, and compares the experience; so it happened to the 13 year old ‘Me’ too.
Naturally, I missed few of her sentences in between by the time I came back from my trip.
This happens while I am speaking too. So I sound absurd. It takes a lot of time to give account of the journey, and the beautiful touch points I had in my internal journey of few seconds. Sometimes the context sounds absurd to many,
So what image do I paint of me? The easiest one coming to people’s mind, including Ma was “She is a bit slow in learning”. The problem was, as if I am born to put everybody into confusion, I always stood first in school.
So how does one describe that? That I was belligerent, and not intelligent.
Well Well Well.
If I had heard that in different forms from several people, obviously my confidence became patchy.
So it was not only the brain. It was the look also. I was not as good looking as A B or C did, girls of my age, or younger.
That is the period I wrote ‘i’ despite knowing that it should have been ‘ee’; because people around me were convinced that it was ‘i’.
Nobody even double checked if I could have been at the right side; by some chance!!
I don’t know why this idea of getting to a safe space from all this comparisons and blames came to my mind, may be it is usual.
I too had some guilt that I thought about going away from my parents to a safer place. Can anybody say if there is a safer place on earth than the parental home?
But .. also tell me, if the comparisons and blames are creating a blue print in my subconscious mind that, I should have had a lot since birth, like, I should have been born a different person, … then how safe is that home for the well being of the person I was going to be?
Does the thought sound ridiculous for some of you?
I am sure it is. Because the truth is complicated, and the easier way to deal with this truth is label me as rebel.
That is perfectly fine. In fact, that sounds like a compliment to me. At least you didn’t call me ‘troublesome’.
I tell you what, few actually called me that. Then also at times even now. If they had to justify something which I am not agreeing to, then they had to call me ‘obstinate’ and ‘defensive’ too.
Till, I decided to move out of the rat race. And a lot of water had flown in between since those initial days till the day of decision.
That means I do not entertain competition any more. I do what I love to do, and I see that it is easier for people to make me a supporting arm rather than a decision maker for them.
The usual story you know? I mean, it is the same decision which was taken hundreds of years back, when it was proven that the fairer gender had more internal prowess than men, and so they have to be in a supporting role.
Wonder why women let that decision to happen. May be because of the same reason I took a decision at this point of time. .. But I want to tell you that my story has just begun..
because, at the moment, I do what I love.. and I would claim all I want, because I do not compete, and they love gifting…
Right at the moment, irrespective of the “ee” or “i”, I focus on what I am doing, because I know, I need to work on what I love, and do more of it..
to justify the lifetime I am allocated, this time.